My Life, One Day at a Time

Repeat

2011-01-26T18:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like the only real residue I have from my treatment is that my eyelashes still fall out. I am hoping to be out of this cycle in about a year, but who knows. I am at the end (beginning) of a cycle right now. I can tell they are about to fall out cause my lash-line itches really bad. Then I obsess about pulling them out. Its like a contest to see how many I can get out in one pinch. Nik tells me I need to stop, but I figure, they are falling out anyway, might as well shorten the awkward thinning stage. I don't think I look nearly as pretty when they are short though. I can't wait to get them back.

Oh, and speaking of eye lashes, my mom has been using a product like the ones advertised on TV, called LA Lash, and it is freaking amazing! She looks like a Disney princess with her lashes that get caught in her bangs. She is asked all the time if she gets the lash extensions, and she says, "nope, they are all mine!" She may or may not tell that they are "enhanced".

Sheesh! It's not fair! She told me I should do it too, but at $75 a tube (and that is the stylists price) I don't know if its worth it. Well, except that she has been using it for more than 3 months. Maybe it is. Maybe I can talk her into buying me one....Love you Mom!

******

I mentioned to a friend at work today that I had never had stitches. Then I realized that that is a completely false statement. I have had lots of stitches. Just none from injuries. :) When I had my gallbladder out 2 years ago (like next week) I was so sad that I was going to have noticeable scars, and that I could no longer say that I had never had stitches. Then the scars were small, and covered by my shirt like 99.9% of the time, so I got over it quickly. Then about a month later I was diagnosed with cancer and less than two weeks after that had a surgical biopsy, then the next week another one. Then a week later had a port put in. Then taken out 6 months later. I don't even know how many stitches I have had, and I am no longer worried about my visible gallbladder scars! My largest scar is just enough over my shirts neckline that it is almost never hidden. I don't really think about it anymore, but since I was working while it was still red and raw I got in the habit of holding my hand over my bare neck and collar bone to hide it. A habit I still have. I will catch myself doing it when I don't feel comfortable where I am, or if I am upset about something. Like playing with a strand of hair, or chewing on your tongue.

*****

This might be a little TMI considering I am pretty sure you don't REALLY care what's going on now that I am out of harms way. But I am still having digestive problems. Its hit and miss with what happens, but I can't get a schedule figured out! Changing my birth control helped, but it wasn't a solution. My doctor even thought I might have Celiac's because of all my issues. Luckily that came back negative. If anyone has any suggestions on getting this taken care of, I am open.

Thanks for stopping by!

Another scan

2010-11-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know who all reads this anymore, but I'm still here and I still have scans.

The next one is on monday. Yay.

October 26th was the one year anniversary of my last treatment, and the 24 of November will be the one year anniversary of having my port out. In fact, Thanksgiving week will forever remind me of all this cancer stuff. But, being DONE with all this cancer stuff. I had my "your done with treatment" scan, and had my port out and all this stuff this week, so I will be reliving it all in the upcoming days.

Thank you to everyone who went through this with me, and to everyone who met me afterwards, and don't remember me as ever having cancer. I love being both of those people. And I look forward to being many more people in the future.

Eyelash Update

2010-10-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks one year since my last treatment. I am excited to be going to a birthday party tonight, to celebrate again that I am all done. That I made it through something I thought would never happen to me. And here I am, on the other side, good as new (or close), one year later.

But the reason for this update is to tell you about my eyelashes. Most of you will remember that along with all my hair, I also lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. That was the hardest part. Being bald was something I could handle. I liked the scarves, and aside from it being pretty cold in the winter, I could have dealt with that for a lot longer if I would have had my eyelashes. They made me feel human. Without them, and without makeup I looked like an alien, pretending to be a woman.

I was more excited about their return than about anything else. And when they were back in full force, and I had long beautiful lashes again, it didn't matter that my hair was only an inch long, or that it was not coming back red, none of that was an issue, because, LOOK HOW PRETTY I AM!! And then, they all fell out again. At first I was heart broken. Why all at once? Everyone looses lashes, but usually one or two at a time, and it is a continuous process of loosing and growing all your life. I had the unusual experience of having my lashes all fall out at the same time, and then all grow in at the same time. So now, when they start to go, I know that they will all go eventually.

I was getting a little tired of this process repeating itself every 3 months or so, but I was resigned when it happened this time. But! Progress! This time, they fell out more slowly, so by the time I was loosing clumps of lashes I had new ones already coming in! So now, about 90% of my long lashes are gone, but I also have about 90% new, little lashes ready to take their place. It makes me feel like fewer people will notice my thinning lashes with these little ones coming in full and thick.

And in a couple weeks when they are all long and beautiful again, I would not turn away a couple of well placed compliments. :)

Another follow-up

2010-09-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

I had another follow-up appointment last week and everything is good. This was not a scan (that will be in November). He told me that I will continue with this scan and follow-up schedule for the next 5 years. Wait. Now, when I started this, it was 2 years. Now its five? But you told me that I had to wait 2 years to start having kids. I assumed it was because I had a scan every 6 months and I can't be pregnant when I have a scan. And now you say 5 years? Yep five years. The catch (or anti-catch) is that after 2 years (when the chance of the cancer coming back is the highest) we can start trying. And if we are trying when it comes time for a scan, they do a pregnancy test and if I am pregnant, no scan. If not, scan's a go. So, there you go. Now mom, this does not mean that I will be getting pregnant ASAP. Sorry. But at least I know that it is up to me. I can do it, or not do it (hehe) to my hearts desire. That makes me feel good.

Also my thyroid is fine. The meds are working great, and my dosage did not change. Yay for levothyroxin.

Reality

2010-07-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

My friend Valeri at loveval.com posted an Opera video called Crazy Sexy Cancer and it inspired me to write a post about how having Cancer has effected my life. So, here it goes.

Being diagnosed with cancer is exactly like you think its going to be. And completely different. You want to laugh, cause, OF COURSE this would happen. You want to cry, it is cancer after all. You think that there is no way it can be as bad as all the rumors, or even as bad as they tell you its going to be. But in the back of your head you know it will be bad. You lose all hope that you will ever have a normal life, and you think you have complete confidence that if you make it out the other side, you never want that normal life again.

Many people have told me that I am strong. I'm not sure I agree. But then, I don't know what it means to be strong. I feel like I dealt with my life as it was given to me, what other choice did I have? And there you go.

This time last year I was half way through my 6 month treatment. It was such a mile stone to think that I had less treatments left to do, than I had already endured. It was the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, it seems like 2 life times ago. I have seen, and done, and been through, and seen others go through, and wanted to do so many other things in the last 12 months, that I almost forget sometimes that it was such a reality, a very short time ago.

One thing I have figured out is that I am much more bitter about having cancer now than I was 16 months ago. Then, I think the end was always the completion of treatment. Then it would be over. Two years til kids? Whatever. Two years of scans and appointments, followed by and undetermined number of appointments and scans? Who cares! But now that I am done with the heavy stuff all those appointments and scans seem to be preventing me from doing anything. I spend a lot of empty brain space thinking about when my next scan is, and then I end up needing a root canal (maybe) because of what chemo did to my teeth. And I am on lifetime medication for my thyroid for the same reason. And why? Why me? What did I do to deserve all this trouble? And why should I have to pay for it? I had to loose so many hours of work for treatment and now I have to pay for a bunch of health problems when I thought the treatment was supposed to make me better. And every time they find something else wrong, and give me a pill someone says, "well, at least you will feel better now!" Really, cause I didn't know I was feeling bad! But I know there is nothing I can do about it. And I don't get all "woe is me" very often. But I can't help it some times. And I know that is normal.

Every now and again I get a small taste of something I went through a lot last summer, and it makes me scared. A little chest pain, the smell of the swamp cooler, the taste of the tooth paste after eating cold cereal. It doesn't take much, and I am right back there. I get a little weak and have to remember that I am not there anymore. I am better now.

I kind of hate thinking of myself as a "survivor". To me a survivor battles something for years or lifetimes and makes it out with all their hair. Thats not me. I "battled" for less than a year. As it stands now, it will barely be a lost summer by the time I'm 35. And my nieces and nephews? Only 3 of them have a chance of remembering anything about it. And how do I tell my kids? And does it matter? Only a hand-full of pictures will show that I didn't have any hair. maybe it was just a fashion statement.

The thing that I think is most distracting right now is the kids thing. No trying for kids for 2 years. Ok, fine. The problem is that I feel like that should be hard. Like I should be pining for kids. And counting down the days till we can have them. But I'm not. In fact, some times I wonder if I really want them. For a number of reason I feel like I would be a horrible mom. And my anxiety makes me physically afraid of ever becoming one. When I think about it, I wonder if this is Heavenly Father's way of telling me that it is not time for me to become a mom. That it is ok to wait. Cause if I wanted kids more than anything right now, I would be in hell. I have several friends who are going through just that, and I can't even imagine it.

I will probably spend my whole life trying to find a suitable way to explain how I felt at diagnosis and during treatment. I may never truly convey how it was. And that is just fine. Everyone who knew me went through it to a different degree, and I will never know how that is either (hopefully). I am more than happy to answer questions for friends and family. But I don't like to dwell on it if I don't have too. I'm sure you understand.

It's been a while

2010-07-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

So, those of you who read my other blog, you already know whats going on with my thyroid. But for you "cancer blog purists", here it is.

I have hypothyroidism. I am low on Thyroid. Which seems funny, cause it was an 'enlarged' thyroid that got us here in the first place. The blood test confirmed that I am low, but the ultra sound came back clear, so no other problems. Good. I have been on the hormone Levothyroxin for about a month now, and honestly, not much has changed. I have noticed a little more energy during the day at work. Meaning, I am not falling asleep at my computer all day. Other than that, I just feel good. Which I will take.

The doctor wants me to get my blood drawn again to make sure the levels are good (they don't want to be giving me too much of the hormone either) and I think I will do that Thursday.

When they called to tell me the results of that first blood test they assured me that this was normal, and something they saw a lot in younger Hodgekins Disease patients, so there was nothing to worry about. Just medication for the rest of my life. I was a little bummed by this at first, but now it seems like every other person I talk to has the same thing. Some people have been on the same meds for like 25 years. And the prescription is only $4, so I can't really complain.

Well, that is the update. Thanks for coming by every now and again to check up on me. If you have any questions or you just want to talk, I am always up for the spontaneous phone call or email.

I'm sorry, what?

2010-06-04T18:53:00.000-07:00

I had a follow-up appointment to go over my latest scan the other day. Mostly, it went well. The mass in my chest (which, by the way, I didn't know was even still there) is getting smaller, which is good, and the scan didn't show anything abnormal. In fact, the technician actually said in the summary that everything showed good improvement for my type of cancer. That is good. I am happy.

At the very beginning of the "physical" portion of the appointment my doctor says, "have we talked about your thyroid being enlarged?" "Um, no." "Ok, well, your thyroid is enlarged." Yeah, I think I got that. "What does that mean?" "Could be nothing. We will run your levels to see."

Now, my mom has an enlarged thyroid that is nothing. My aunt had hers out and it turned out to be nothing. I have heard of several family instances of this. I am not really "worried" but at the same time I am. Cause that's what I do. I worry. Plus. I have seen the scars that result from having this removed. You look like Frankenstein's Monster. Just add the bolts on the side of your neck. I should not be worried about scars anymore, I have enough of them. And that is really only half of it. What if there is really a problem with my thyroid and I have to do treatment again? It makes me sick just to think about it. And scared. I think I am more scared of this being something big than I was after my first scan. I can see this coming. And do lots of worrying. How about someone worry for me, so I can take a break for a while.

It should be mentioned that I got a call from Dr. Harker (the oncologist) yesterday night and he did it again, "Did we talk about doing an ultrasound on your thyroid?" Pause. "No." "Ok, I would like to have that done at your convenience." Great. "Someone from the office should call you tomorrow to schedule that." And no one did. And no one will till Monday. More time for Lena to worry. Oh, and I have low potassium, which is why I have been getting SEVERE cramps in my feet when I stretch the wrong way. Bring on the bananas! And, as Grandpa told me, the avocados, which have like 3x as much potassium as bananas. I may just get an over the counter supplement. I suck with adding stuff to my diet.

Ok, there it is. Nothing yet, but potentially, well, nothing, but something. Oh well.

2010-04-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

I have a CT scan next month, I think its the 14th. I am not looking forward to it. But strangely enough, since I just watched Nik go through a colonoscopy and endoscopy, I feel like I can do this. Like there is nothing to worry about, and that Nik will be there for me, just like he always has been. I am not nearly as stressed as I was when they told me I had to switch scans. But then, I do still have a couple weeks, and that leave plenty of time to worry. Also, my friend Amanda at work, told me that one of the Discovery Channel's is doing a special on Anxiety. And she looked at the TV and said "Hey! That's Lena!!" Thanks Amanda. But yes, Lena is full of anxiety. I wish there was something I could do to snap myself out of it, but it seems like no matter how far I think I have come, I still relapse. I might need some professional help before we have kids. Strike that, I WILL need some professional help before we have kids.

Ok, well, there you go. Scan on the 14th. Then follow up on the 27th. Pray that the scan is clear!

Well....

2010-03-12T15:46:00.000-08:00

So today was my first "check up" since finishing my treatments. Here's what I thought about it:

The smell of the place made me a little sick and I spent the whole time sucking on Jolly Ranchers.

The whole thing reminded me that I am not done yet. I have spent this time thinking that I am out of the woods, and it was just smooth sailing from here. Going back to that place reminded me that I am not there yet.

Dr. Harker told me that they are not satisfied with the results of the PET/CT's (not just in me, but in general) and he is recommending that I have regular CT scans instead. For the rest of the time. I don't know if I wrote about how much I HATED the first CT scan I had, but, I HATED it. Like with the firey passions of hell. I would rather do just about anything else. I have to drink twice as much contrast and then they give me an injection that sends me in to a panic attack. It's bad. I am so not happy about this.

I got an immediate reaction to my hair from the lady that used to schedule my appointments. I was glad she remembered me, cause I didn't get to see many of my old nurses, and the one I saw didn't remember me. :(

Dr. Harker said I looked really good and he didn't see or feel anything he shouldn't. Also, my blood work was clear.

I was glad to see the fish were the same in the waiting room. So was Nik. We spent a few minutes looking for our favorites, and admiring the new additions. They took out the tank from the treatment room (apparently just a couple weeks ago), but we weren't too upset about that, it was not as cool of a tank.

Progress

2010-02-13T08:10:00.001-08:00

For everyone who has not seen me in a couple months (or at all), here is a current picture. Taken last night. Notice the faux-hawk.

2010-02-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

2010-02-01T07:24:00.001-08:00

“Life is like an old-time rail journey – delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

2010-01-20T11:50:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking even more about how much I have been blessed through this whole situation. I was minimally sick (never threw up), and most of the side effects were about gone by the time I finished the treatments. Not all of them, of course, but about everything eased up after a few months. Reading about my friends that are going through, or went through the same thing, I almost feel guilty that I did not have it worse. Like, who am I to get out of having the same problems? I am not any better than Meg. How come she has to have thrush? Amy is a wonderful person, why did she get so sick? Even having gone through it, I would do it again in a heart beat if it meant that someone I loved didn't have to do it. I know that will never be a solution, but I really hate to hear about others that are doing the same thing. Also, I really don't like to think about it anymore. Reading these other blogs is like masochism, I hate to think that I did that, but I have to know how they are doing. I rejoiced when Amy had her last treatment, and I am worried for Meg and the decision she is facing. I have never met them, but I am invested in their lives.

Good luck ladies!

Update

2010-01-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

I have had lots of friends and family ask to see my hair. Its not much, but its definitely there. I am considering doing some funky dye jobs with it, since I keep my hat on at work all the time anyway. What do you think Mimi? Leopard spots? Green and blue stripes? I'm open.

I feel a little strange when people ask to see it though. Like, yes, I'm fine with you seeing my hair. But its not like it is making huge progress, so it probably looks the same as the last time you asked. Or, I know you will have a big reaction if you have not seen it before, and it is just not that impressive. It kind of makes me feel strange to have people oo-ing and ah-ing over something so mundane. Plus, its not like I am doing it myself. I don't have to do anything special to grow hair. Although, I would love to do something to make it grow faster. Oh well. I will continue to show anyone who wants to see. Thanks for the support.

Chemo Day

2009-12-16T15:45:00.000-08:00

So, my cancer friend Amy just posted about her LAST chemo day. I am so happy for her! I love to hear that someone else made it out the other side. Anyway, the reason I am here is to let you know that she posted pictures of it. And if you ever wondered what it was like for me, this is about 95% effective. Almost everything was the same. Check it out if you are curious:

Amy and Mike

2009-12-16T09:14:00.000-08:00

Just thought I would mention that as of next week (my second anniversary at my job) I have 2 weeks of vacation again! Which means I have a lot of full paychecks to look forward too.

Development!!

2009-11-30T11:56:00.000-08:00

I noticed yesterday as I was washing my face in the morning, that my eyelashes are coming back! All small and thin, but there! Its almost impossible to take a picture of them, but if you want to see how awesome they are, just ask. I will totally show you.

Port Removal Completed

2009-11-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

So, yeah. They didn't put me out. Which was not as bad as I thought it would be. I had the ear plugs and the head phones (great big ones from Skull Candy that I borrowed from Nik. Thanks Nik!!) and that worked pretty good. Here's how it went down:

My mom and I got to the hospital a little after 8:30 and were checked in right away. I expected lots of fuss and tests and what-not, but they just took my blood pressure and pricked my finger. Then they said to change from the waist up (I kept my jeans on the whole time) and then took me down for the procedure. Mom got to wait for me in the room and read my book.

I was in the same room as when I had it put in, so, you know, that was all nostalgic :). Everyone was really awesome. They were funny, and made me feel very, ok, with what was going on. I got to stay in my bed and they gave me a warm blanket (seriously the best thing about this whole thing, all the warm blankets). After they got me all swabbed and draped, I put my head phones on and tried not to listen.

The shots they gave me to numb the area were horrible!! Three of them and they all hurt so much! But that didn't last long, and after they took effect I didn't feel a thing. Only tugging and scraping. Tug, tug, tug, scrape, scrape, scrape. I didn't look, although, I thought Kersten probably would have. Seems a waste to have that going on right underneath my nose, and not take advantage, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Ok, but the best part? When I could hear what the doctors and nurses were talking about, it was Alton Brown. And his turkey brine and mashed potatoes. I actually participated in that one. I think they talked about it for quite a while. It make me feel better to know they were so at ease with what was going on.

Since they didn't put me out, there was no recovery time, so when I was done, they just said, "well, have a happy Thanksgiving! Don't pick at the Dermabond!" And I have been in minimal pain ever since. It just feels like a cut. Which is what it is. And I am going back to work tomorrow. Yay.

So, to make a long story short................It was not bad at all. I would have taken that over a lot of what I had to go through this summer. And I will have an awesome scar. Well, maybe not if they did their jobs right...

Port removal scheduled

2009-11-23T15:17:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning at 8:30. Only local anesthesia. Pray for me. I'm bringing ear plugs.

Scan #3

2009-11-23T13:01:00.001-08:00

This morning, bright and early, I had another PET/CT scan over at IMC. It went as well as could be expected. I braved this one alone, and it was fine. I didn't have to worry that someone was waiting for me to finish so we could go home. It was easier to drink the contrast this time, but it did not taste any better. I went over to my mom's to hang out till I had to be at work at one. It was nice. She fed me (since I had not eaten anything since the night before) and we watched tv. I had told my manager at work that sometimes the contrast can make me sick (of the intestinal variety) and if that was the case, I did not want to have to come in to work. She was great and scheduled such that it was not necessary. But, since it had been a couple hours and nothing had happened, I went in. And, sure enough, about 20 minutes later (still 10 minutes before I was SUPPOSED to be there) I got sick. Yay. And shortly after I got in, another lady left sick, so my chances of going home are slim. I am hoping it just gets better, not worse, and that I can stick out the day. Its not fun though, let me tell you.

Happy Birthday

2009-11-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

To my new cancer friend Amy! She turns 25 today, and only has 2 more treatments left!! I am very excited for her. Now is about when you can actually see that light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck Amy!!

(check out her blog on the right...Mike and Amy)

Appointments

2009-11-10T09:02:00.000-08:00

So, the week of Thanksgiving I have two appointments. One, on Monday, is for a PET/CT scan to make sure it is all where it is supposed to be. I'm not really worried about this one. It will be the 3rd PET scan I have had to have, and I now know that they are one of the easiest things associated with the cancer. But then, the next day, I have to have my port out. Now, I say HAVE TO, but I really do want it out. I don't mind getting IV's for regular stuff and I think that it would be worse to have them keep using if for my tests, and needing to have it flushed every month...**shudder**. I just don't think that anyone who has not experienced it can even fathom what that is like. And it seems like it would be such a non-event. And its not. It makes me tingly inside just thinking about it. And if I don't have the port out this month, I have to come in and have it flushed before December. And to me, its just not worth it. Just take it out.

(I just said 'and' before a bunch of those sentences. Sorry English majors)

I have recently been catching up with some of my new cancer friends. I like to talk to these women, cause they are going through exactly what I went through. And in some cases, they are going through much worse things than I endured. I have mixed feelings about some of the things we talk about. Sometimes, I look back on symptoms, or individual experiences, and I just laugh, it seems so ridiculous to have had itchy feet, or cried over losing my hair. That was so long ago now. But it is new to them. And yes, it is still hard to be bald. But I am used to it now.

I decided that I didn't want to join a support group, or see a psychiatrist early on in my treatment. I thought that it would not matter who I talked to, no one would know exactly what I was going through. Plus, my doctors and nurses told me that everything I was experiencing was normal, so what difference did it make. I now see that even just having someone to talk to who has gone through something similar eased your mind so much. I am so glad I can talk to Meg and Amy about what they are going through. I may be done with the treatments, but it is by no means behind me. The things I experienced will be a part of my life forever.

Updates

2009-11-02T10:21:00.001-08:00

Just to let everyone know, even though I am done with treatments, I will still have a bunch of scans and stuff to do, so the updates will be sparse, but they will come. So check back at your convenience, I will let you know if anything big happens.

Thanks to everyone who follows this blog, even if you don't comment :) It has meant a lot to me and to Nik. And another thanks to everyone who came to my Chemo's over party. It was a raging success!

Last Treatment Day!

2009-10-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

Well today Lena had her last treatment. It has been a crazy journey for both of us. I am sure it has been much harder for my sweet wife. As the treatment ended it was a little bitter sweet for me. I am going to miss the nurses and doctors that have made it a little bit easier for Lena. I will name them so I can remember them. I would like to thank Dave, Sandra, Darrin, Ty and Jennifer. All the nurses that were so awesome to both of us during treatment.

As for what is to come. Dr H. said Lena will have to have check up appointments ever 3 months and CT scans every 6 months.

When Lena left she said to me "It is nice that I am done...but I can not be happy because I am not done with hospitals!" It made my heart sink because it is just the next step but this will be much easier for both of us.

P.S. Lena is having a Party at her Parents house on Halloween to celebrate finishing chemo. It will be a costume party and anyone is invited. We would ask if you are sick or have been around people who have been sick to not come. Lena did not get a nulasta shot that would raise her white blood cell count so her immune system is not very strong. So come party with us if you can. If you would like the address give Lena or me a call and we can give you the address! There is also an event on Facebook so invite yourself and the address if there as well!

2009-10-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

I am posting this on the cancer blog cause it is from a cancer friend. She is starting an etsy shop with matching skirts and hats for little girls and their dolls. But she posted these awesome princess dresses made for the American Girl size dolls. I thought, hey! I have some little girls who have dolls, and some that actually have American Girl dolls. Please check out her blog, even if its just to oogle the great little dresses.

Amy Kisses Mike

2009-10-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

I'm really getting sick of these days at work. I really wish I could have just one more day off after my treatment. I just don't sleep well enough to feel good enough to be at work yet.

Oh well. Just one more.

2009-10-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, I went home early. I just couldn't work through it. I didn't sleep like I wanted too, but I did sit on the couch and watch 5 hours of TV. It only kind of helped. Mostly the food that Jake and Nik brought back helped. It was a spontaneous party at our house last night, I just wish I had been feeling a little bit better for it. I am always glad to see my friends though, so thanks for coming and seeing me (and by me I mean Jake, cause I know thats why you were really there. I just bask in the glory that is Jake).

I feel much better now. I may have caught up on sleep by my next treatment.

I really can't express how ready I am for this all to be done. To stop feeling like crap every two weeks, to get my hair back, to get my life back to normal. In fact, I am interested in what "normal" will look like. I'm not sure I have seen it before.

2009-09-30T11:19:00.001-07:00

I really feel like crap. I will probably go home early.

New Friends

2009-09-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

I got to talk to one of my new cancer friends today. Face to face. She came in to work with her mom and we talked for about half and hour in the break room. It was so strange relating everything that I have been through so far. Especially knowing that she is just beginning the process. I remember being so scared, but not knowing what to do about it. Crying didn't seem to be the answer, but it happened anyway. Getting mad didn't seem to help either. Neither did feeling sorry for myself. So I was just stuck. Feeling like something was wrong, but not knowing what to do about it. I could see that in her eyes. The desperation, the confusion. I hope I was able to help her.

I was amazed to realize what I had already been through. Telling her what to expect made me realize what I had survived. At the beginning I was so nervous about the treatments that I could think of nothing else. Then I was so overwhelmed by the side effects, I thought I would never see the end. Now I take the treatments in stride (I don't LIKE them by any means, but I have accepted that they happen) and most of my more pesky side effects have tapered off. I still get bone pain and jaw pain (both of which made a more prominent appearance this time), but the mouth sores are completely gone. And I usually feel better by after lunch the Wednesday after a treatment. I feel so much stronger than I thought I would at this point. Or ever. I thought that by the time I was half way I would be just a shell of my former self, having been through so much. But I feel like this has all been for a reason. That I have made it this far for a purpose and that I have much to accomplish yet.

It is a good feeling.

Plagiarism

2009-09-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

I have met some new "cancer friends" recently and in reading one of their blogs, I came across this paragraph that helps sum up what I feel about my situation.

"Last night I saw "My Sister's Keeper". I wondered how it would affect me. It made me grateful that Heavenly Father's plan for me is not to die, but to be cured. The plan for the girl in the movie, was to die. It wasn't in the plan for her to raise a family, and have kids. That is my plan though, the plan for me is to have cancer, fight through it, be cured, have a family and live. I'm so grateful that is the plan set up for me, that it is not in the works for me to die. Because that could have been the plan, it could have been the plan for me to die, and it's not, and I'm so grateful. I'll admit, that on my crappy days, I'd rather be in heaven than on earth, but I'm grateful that the plan isn't for me to always have crappy days, it isn't in the plan for me to have cancer for years, the plan is for me to only have it for this short amount of time that feels like a long time, and to be cured. I am so blessed."

I am grateful everyday that I am going to be ok. I know that I will get to grow older and raise a family with my amazing husband. I love that I have this knowledge. And it makes me feel even better to talk to people that also know this.

One new friend is at the very beginning of her journey. She has her CT scan today for staging. She is understandably nervous. Please pray for her. The other woman is like me and almost done. She has four more treatments, and I have three, so we will finish about the same time. She looks good bald. I really hope that is what I look like too. If I can get their permission, I will link their blogs to mine, so you can follow their progress as well. I wish them the best, and I hope it all works out.

My husband loves me

2009-09-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

Nik: "Good job for eating ice cream so you can gain weight!"

Me: "I think I am one of the only women in the world that is ok with her husband telling her that."

Nik: "Love you."

2009-09-11T11:49:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update that I only have four treatments left!!! And I have one on monday, so then it will be three!!! Everyone be happy for me!!

2009-09-08T10:37:00.001-07:00

I was asked the other day if I had "the cancer."

How do you answer that?

2009-08-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago Nik and I went to a movie with some friends and we took along my little (well, younger) brother Jeff. We got there early enough that the previews had not started and there were some of those commercial things they play before hand. One came on where a lady was talking about how her mother had breast cancer and how hard it was for the family. Watching her go through everything, and helping out and all that, that is as if the whole family had cancer. The young men seated behind us, probably around 19 or 20 started making comments about how that was not true. The whole family OBVIOUSLY did not have cancer.

This went on for a few minutes and I could tell Jeff was getting agitated. He turned to me and said, "I want to turn around and punch those guys." I told him that it was ok, what they were saying, even if it was a little offensive. "They are right, though, the whole family probably does not have cancer." That did not seem satisfactory for Jeff, but he didn't say anything else about it.

Now, its true. Everyone who reads my blog does not have cancer. But you do not have to be diagnosed to be suffering right along with me. No, you don't get nauseous on treatments days, and your jaw does not hurt a couple days later, and thinking about treatment might not bring small panic attacks, but that does not mean that it is not hard on you too. I just wanted everyone to know that I know this is taking a toll on everyone involved, and to thank you all again for all the support and prayers and good vibes that have been sent my way. I LOVE YOU ALL!!

Results

2009-08-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

I was a little bit drugged up when they told me, but I am pretty sure my scans came back normal. Like, what they wanted them to come back like.... I don't know. I think I am good now, I just have to finish the treatments. I tried to get out of the rest of them, but no such luck. Oh well.

The moment you've all been waiting for...

2009-08-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

Help?

2009-08-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

Anyone know how to put on fake eyelashes? I think I am doing it wrong.

Half Way

2009-08-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

So, for those who didn't get it from Nik's post on Tuesday, I am HALF WAY DONE with my treatments. And if I don't get excited about that, I might just curl up in a ball and suck my thumb til the end of October.

PET CT Scan #2

2009-08-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone Nik here!

Just so you know Lena is having a PET CT Scan again today. They said they would do it about half way through her treatment. So here we are back at they good old "Deathstar" the IMC. She was most worried about drinking the Contrast...the scan itself is nothing. She has been really funny about it but I dont blame her. She is also getting some test on her Lungs but I am unsure about that. Maybe I will update when she gets back.

UPDATE: We will find out on Monday the results of the Scan. We think the Lung test is a Pulminary something...or other....

Hey!

2009-08-05T14:22:00.001-07:00

I got a wig!

2009-07-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

Today I had a realization.

Something I had not admitted to myself yet.

Under other circumstances I would be upset at myself for thinking this.

I care about how I look. A lot.

While talking to a good friend at church today I made the connection between how I feel about myself, physically, and how I how I feel, internally, on a daily basis.

I realized that now that I am loosing my eyebrows and eyelashes significantly, I don't feel pretty. And I am not fishing for compliments. When I look in the mirror I don't feel like I usually do. I still look like myself. I look like Lena. I just look like a hairless Lena. And that is unnerving. I don't like it. I like to look like myself. And Nik tells me I am beautiful, he tells me he loves me and that he will always love me. And that is great. Of course I like to hear that. He's my husband, and I love him too. But when I don't feel pretty, it makes it harder.

Its used to make me feel better to know that at least I still looked decent. So no matter what I was going though, it was made easier cause I was still me. But now, I don't look like me. And I am reminded of it a lot. So my emotional state is not ideal for dealing with how I feel after treatments. It makes it harder to feel better.

That might not have made sense, but that is how I am feeling lately. I hope it doesn't last.

Crap

2009-07-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

So, after sleeping most of the last two days, which is kind of strange for me, I ended up getting absolutely no sleep last night, when it really mattered. So now I feel like crap. Scratch that. Crap on toast.

Just so you know

2009-07-16T08:28:00.001-07:00

You guys are no help.

Old News

2009-07-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

This may sound like old news, but I wanted to come here again and publicly tell everyone how thankful I am for the support I am receiving from all of you. Through this site and face-to-face. So many people have helped me out emotionally, physically and spiritually, (and financially). I am constantly astounded by how many people care for me. I really don;t feel deserving. Like, I am not so special, why should they do these things for me. But I know it helps to help out. If that makes sense.

I recently had a very large (well, very large to me, and probably to the giver too) monetary sum donated to me. I was speechless. Nik and I just stared at the check, not quite sure what to make of it. I immediately wrote a thank you note (and if you guys got the note and are ok with it, I would love to embarrass you publicly here :) ) and sent it out from work. I am still trying to decide what to do with the money, but I know it will come in handy when I am out of sick leave and vacation time.

And that brings me to another topic. I am struggling to make a decision and I need some opinions. I have been talking here about getting a wig. And that was not always my desire, to get a wig. But I had someone bring up that it is nice to go somewhere like the grocery store and not have to worry about people automatically knowing (or suspecting) you have cancer. And that is true. I get some weird looks of recognition when it dawns on someone why I could possibly chosen to wear that scarf with that shirt. So thus started the wig hunt. But now I am not sure. I feel like I will wear it for such a short time, and it is such an expense, wouldn't it just be better to save the money and live with being bald for a few more months? After all, everyone already knows I am bald, whats the big deal? But then, I have also been given money to cover such an expense (although I did find out that our insurance will NOT compensate a wig) and had several other offers to cover it. Would it be deceptive to not get a wig at this point? I DON"T KNOW!!! Help me out internets.

Oh, and I know that a LOT more people read this blog than comment, so, please drop me a line if you stop by. I would love to know who is reading.

2009-07-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

Feeling like crap again today. Yesterday was really hard. Just felt miserable most of the day. I had another friend bring up that this is just a trial run for pregnancy. I hope pregnancy is not this bad. I don't even know how to explain how I feel right now. The only word is crap. If you know what crap feels like.

Eating seems to make it better, but only while I am actually eating. Then I go back to the crap feeling. I could gain a lot of weight if I keep that up. Oh, and I am sleepy. Very sleepy.

Or this one? (same wig)

2009-07-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

What about this one?

2009-07-01T20:45:00.001-07:00

Events

2009-07-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot has been going on, so I decided to just list some of the smaller events in the last week or so.

* After feel really good for two days after my treatment, I felt like crap Wednesday and most of Thursday.

* That being said, all of my side effects have been less severe than the previous treatment. Let's hope that is a trend till I am done.

* The ladies in the ward made me a cute little purple butterfly quilt in Daytime Enrichment. I love it. It is the perfect church quilt.

* I have had a stomach ache for a couple days now and it is starting to frustrate me. I want to feel good!!

* I have Friday and Saturday off for the 4th, and have no plans, so someone make plans with me!! (that wasn't cancer related, but I thought I would put it out there.)

* I saw my cancer doctor, Dr. Harker on a The Truth: Anti-tobacco commercial the other day, but I just caught the end, and have not seen it again. I know it was him, and I am going to ask him about it on Monday.

* Please send ideas for bald Halloween costumes. I am going to get a jump start on this.

* I know they are going to want to schedule a PET/CT scan soon to see if the cancer is all gone yet, and I think that worries me more than some of my treatments have. Is that weird?

* I walked in the survivors lap of the Relay For Life and they gave me a T-shirt and a picture frame and took my picture for reasons unknown. Texas Roadhouse catered and I had a larger than expected support group. It was a great experience, and I think I will try and be part of the team next year.

Feelin' good

2009-06-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who took a look at the wigs and expressed an opinion. I think I am leaning toward that first one too. I should see if I can find a place to try it on here in the valley before I buy it. Nik wants to go back to the wig store and take pictures of him in the wigs. I don't think the little old ladies will want that.

I just wanted every one to know that all the prayers must be working, or maybe it is the lucky Irish scarf Gerold got me, but I am feeling really good today. And yesterday too. I hope this holds though the week. That would be great. Granted, I am not 100% and I still feel a little off, but compared to weeks past, this is great.

I was just telling Nik that it was such a beautiful day outside, I wish I could take my nieces and nephews to the park, but I am not quite up to that kind of babysitting. And I would feel bad asking all the moms to come too, just so I could sit outside and watch the kiddies. And have no real responsibility. Maybe another day. I am looking forward to shopping today, and I hope I am still feeling up to it. Thanks for the invite girls!

And thanks again for the prayers. I know that is what is keeping me going. Love you all!!

"Wigging" Out

2009-06-19T14:57:00.001-07:00

So I have decided to get a wig. This goes against everything I had felt in the beginning. But then a friend mentioned that it might be nice to go somewhere where people didn't know me, with out looking different. Which is a good point. I get a lot of stares from small children at work, and at the grocery store, so it would be nice to avoid that sometimes. Wednesday Nik and I went to a local wig store and tried some on. I liked one of them. Nik liked all of them. He likes me with hair. No matter what. He liked the long one most. The one I liked was a different style than I normally do, but it was pretty cute. Today Mom sent me a link to a site that has a ton of different styles. Here are some I liked, feel free to let me know how you feel about them:

http://www.headcovers.com/545/allison-monofilament-by-amore-/-rene-of-paris-wigs/

http://www.headcovers.com/696/laurie-monofilament-by-amore-/-rene-of-paris-wigs/

http://www.headcovers.com/500/dylan-monofilament-by-amore-/-rene-of-paris-wigs/

http://www.headcovers.com/11515/fiesta-by-raquel-welch-wigs/

http://www.headcovers.com/11523/wendy-by-amore-/-rene-of-paris-wigs-monofilament-wig/

http://www.headcovers.com/11704/swept-away-by-raquel-welch-wigs-monofilament-wig/

http://www.headcovers.com/10688/action-by-raquel-welch-monofilament-wigs/

http://www.headcovers.com/11156/tia-by-noriko-wigs-monofilament/

The New 'Do

2009-06-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

Since Nik took a lot of pictures, and I am lazy about putting them all up here, go to this site to see what I did Sunday night. Nik calls it "Pulling a Britney".

Help from the strangest places

2009-06-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

A guy at work came up to me today and said(I'm sure, having noticed my sparse supply of hair, and several scars) "I'm sorry, I just have to ask, cancer?" I answered, yes, lymphoma, Hodgkin's Disease. He then told me that his son had had leukemia three times in his life, had a bone marrow transplant, and full body radiation, and had survived. He told me to be strong, and that it would be fine. I told him thank you, and asked if it was hard for his son, going though all the treatments. He did not sugar-coat it for me, he said it was really hard. I said that it was hard for me, and I had only had two rounds of chemo. I can't imagine going through it for that long.

That was the extent of our conversation, and it is still strange how comforting the words of a stranger can be. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know if I am a strong person. If I cry at night because of what I am going through. Or if it is just another thing you do, cause you have to. But he recognized my situation, and offered what comfort he could. And I will always remember that.

On a sadder note...just days after my first treatment I had a lady at my station who noticed my Cancer Sucks pin on my purse and commented that they (her and her daughter) had the same one, and asked why I had it. I explained. She offered that her husband had colon cancer and had been suffering through chemo since about October. She asked about my port. I showed her and she said her husband had just had one put in a few weeks ago, but it was so much better than the regular IV he had been getting. She also said that they had recently changed his chemo drugs and these new ones were making him pretty sick. I can feel his pain. We talked a few minutes longer and I felt better knowing that there was someone else who knew what I was going through. I found out today that her husband passed away. I didn't know what to say. I did not actually see her, it was relayed to me from my manager. I wish there was something I could do for them. We were not good friends, we were barely even acquaintances. I had never even met her husband. But I feel for her so strongly. My heart goes out to them.

It was a busy day today, and I am glad to be home.

Sorry, I'm behind

2009-06-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

Quick update:

I had treatment as scheduled on Monday. I felt pretty off on Monday and Tuesday, and here I am back at work on Wednesday, still feeling off. I did not take any anti-nausea meds this morning cause it was so hard work through it last time. Also, I was so off last night after taking my 3rd or 4th dose of Ativan I went to bed with my bra still on. (A lady at work told me it was better than coming to work without it on. Which is true.)

I had to go back in on Tuesday to have a Neulasta shot to keep my white cell count up so I don't have to skip anymore treatments. The side effects of the shot are mild to intense long bone pain and flu-like symptoms. I hope I don't get those. But I probably will. This shot will be a regular occurrence the day after a treatment now.

ps-Curt (my CEO) was at treatment with me this time. He has it every three weeks, and I every two. So we should bump into each other every now and then. Hopefully it is for a long time.

Along those same lines Granite announced its new CEO to take full control on July 6th, but Curt will be staying on as long as he can/wants.

Survivors Lap

2009-06-04T11:44:00.001-07:00

I mentioned the Relay for Life on my other blog earlier and I just wanted to follow up with anyone who was interested in donating to my cause. The race itself goes from June 26th 5:00pm-June 27th 6:pm at Murray High School, but there is a Survivors Lap at the beginning (5:00) which I am participating in. I would love to be part of the whole race, but I have to work on Saturday, and it will be the week of a treatment, so who knows how I will feel. I plan to head over there to cheer on the rest of our team when I get off.

Anyone interested in donating to the Relay for Life cause and to my fundraising efforts specifically can go here. If you are interested in running or walking for part of the race, let me know and we could get you on the Granite team (unless you have about 14 others and want to form your own team). Either way, I would love to see all of you at the Survivors Lap on Friday!

(clarification: The Survivors Lap is on the 26th. At the beginning of the race)

Lena is back

2009-06-03T20:18:00.001-07:00

Lena came home and is fine. She was told the infection was in the incision and not at the port sight. So she is safe and healing fine. They gave her neosporin and said keep this on it...$75 later here we are! And she does not have to have her port removed which was the thing that worried my sweet wife the most!

Lena is on her way to the ER

2009-06-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

Lena just called me from work. She had talked to the Clinic and they told her to go to the ER. She had been having some problems with her port. It was having trouble healing and had become infected. When she mentioned it to the clinic they said GO TO THE ER!!!! There is a possibility that the infection could spread to the blood stream which means bad news! So she called her mom and is on her way. I will give you more info when I find more out!

Possibly out of desperation

2009-05-29T08:40:00.001-07:00

I mentioned before that my hair is falling out pretty quickly. I thought I would have a little more time with it, but that seems not to be the case. So, after about 4 days of being afraid to touch my hair and having hand fulls of it come out when I did (some of you have witnessed this), I decided that it would be easier to manage, and less traumatic while it is still falling out, if I cut it short. I know, I know, "but Lena, your hair is so short already!" Yes, and no. I agree that my hair is short, but it was not short enough. I touch it too much.

I spent about a day thinking about this with a friend at work. Looking up pictures, discussing pros and cons to each style. Deciding if each one was really short enough to accomplish my goal. Finally we decided on a couple that looked reasonable.

My SIL Amy came over for an emergency cut and we were both a little emotional when it started coming off. In the middle of the cut we were visited by the the entire Young Women's program in our ward which includes one of my good friends. They filled up my small apartment for a little while while they watched.

When she finished, my first impression was that it was short, really short. But I was not as shocked as I thought I would be. After all, I had my hair pretty short in high school. But then it started to sink in. And I realized that I had worked pretty hard to get out of what I looked like in high school. Then I showered to get all the itchy hair off me and put in this scalp treatment that Amy gave me (which, by the way, smells like something organic is rotting and you tried to cover it up with Lysol) and it worked like a mousse to successfully style my hair like a 90's super-lesbian. Sorry if that offends anyone, but that was my first impression. And it made me sad. I looked about 10 pounds smaller, and I hated it. I was really upset for quite a while. I was freaking out about what I was going to do at work when everyone saw me. I tried to fine a hat or scarf or something to hide it. And it smelled terrible. :(

That night I wore a beanie to bed to try and keep the smell from the pillow, and when I woke up it had smashed my hair down enough that I was not so upset at how I looked. And everyone at work assured me it was cute. Even a couple of members commented. And now I am fine with it. It is still weird to not feel my hair when I move my head, to feel the wind on my actual scalp, and when I first see my reflection in something. But I am getting used to it. And who knows how long it will stick around anyway.

When I went to show my parents Dad took a couple pictures of me and they turned out better than the ones I took, so here is my new look!

Oh yeah...

2009-05-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

Some of you will know already know that I did not have a treatment yesterday. My white blood cell count was way too low for them to feel comfortable giving me another one. They originally wanted me to come in on Friday and see if the levels were high enough to do it, but they said that once I was doing them on Friday's I would not be able to do them on Mondays again. Then, misunderstanding my reason for being upset suggested I come in next Monday then. Well, see that's not going to work because everything I have planned for the summer falls on the off weeks of the schedule I have right now. If you make me move Mondays (or to Friday's) it will screw with EVERYTHING and I will not be able to do about 90% of what was already planned before I started this stupid thing. (can you tell I was a little upset? At this point I had been crying for about 5 minutes and I couldn't even fully explain why I was getting so upset at the nice lady.) I finally asked if my doctor was in today, and she said yes. I took a deep breath and asked if she could ask him if he would allow me to just skip this treatment and let me come back in two weeks so's to not force a nervous breakdown. She obliged and came back with good news. He said that against his better judgement he was going to let me have my way. THANK YOU!!!

But, even after getting my way, I continued to cry for like a half hour. While they unhooked my port, while we drove home, while I laid on the couch watching TV. Nik was amazing. He let me cry, he got me water, he didn't complain when I wanted to watch stupid shows. And I rewarded him by falling asleep so he could play video games. I am ok now! I promise!

**A great big thank you to the wonderful ladies in my relief society that came and cleaned my house today! Including cleaning my carpet! I have not seen it yet, but Nik can't stop talking about it. My house was a gross disaster area, so I know it must have been a struggle, but I appreciate it more than you realize. You are all awesome!

If Anyone Was Curious

2009-05-25T09:33:00.001-07:00

If I was losing my hair, here you go:

This is some of what came out just today in the shower:

And here is more in the sink as I was doing my hair after the shower:

And yes, Amy, I did use the shampoo and conditioner you gave me. I hope it works like you said it would.

I think it may be time to start looking for head coverings. So if you know of a good place, or find a cool scarf or beanie, let me know. Some of you have given me lists of places in Utah that sell that type of stuff, but I have not made any personal visits. Also, I think it will be more comfortable in the hot summer to have cotton beanies instead of crocheted ones, so if any sewers out there can find a good pattern for one, that would be great. I am not anticipating having hair for much longer.

2009-05-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

I am starting to get a little nervous for my second treatment (Tuesday May 26th) because more than one person has told me that after their second treatment they were more sick than the first one. I have kind of expected that, I am mean, this is a repeat attack on my system. I just hope that there is something about the drugs I am given or something that will make it not as bad as I think it will be. I am still hoping to make it trough with out throwing up. Anyone think I can do it?

Day 4

2009-05-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

A little better today. Not 100% yet, but not so crappy like yesterday. My jaw hurts today. Like the pain you get in a tooth with a small cavity. Its weird. They said there can be dental problems with the chemo, but I hope they don't last. So far eating has only made me feel better, which I hope continues. Nik took me out to Astro Burger for my favorite grilled cheese and fries last night, and it was awesome. It came at a small price though, cause we took his car since mine was out of gas, and ended up stuck for a little while. Luckily Tyler was on his way to meet us anyway, and figured out a way to trip the lever that was sticking it in park. All is well. I think I am on the mend.

That was kind of rambly, but there you go.

Today

2009-05-13T08:51:00.001-07:00

Ok, so today is hard. I am really tired from the anti-nausea meds and I am still not feeling what should be the positive effects of the meds. I can't decide if today feels worse because I actually worse, or if it is just because I had to get up early and function. Really wish I could sleep. Really.

Post Chemo

2009-05-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

Nik has been on my case to post again. So here I am. I am doing ok now. The treatment was pretty easy, just lay in the chair and wait for it to be over. I was pretty sleepy during the treatment because of the drugs they told me to take before I came. So Nik says I slept for a good hour. Which is good. I like sleeping. I was feeling pretty good (just a little unsteady from the meds still) right after the treatment, but I knew it could be getting worse as the day went on, so we hurried to the supermarket and back home. And I was right. I slept for another hour or so and then felt pretty crappy the rest of the night. But I never threw up. I was on both nausea meds but had not eaten since breakfast, which is not good. So we made spaghetti for dinner and I had my noodles plain, like normal. That made me feel a lot better, and I went to bed on another pill and slept great. I woke up earlier than I wanted, so I am still pretty tired, but not enough to actually sleep. Hopefully later. Our house is a mess, so Nik and I are going to try and get some of if cleaned up for the rest of the week, since I go back to work tomorrow. I am supposed to stay active, as much as I feel like it, so we are also going to go on another walk around our complex in search of the illusive ducks.

Over all, i am not 100%, but its not the end of the world. I will let you know when it gets there.

Oh, and thanks in advance to Allison from work who volunteered to bring us dinner tonight. Thanks!

Pre-Chemo

2009-05-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

So, here I am. In my last hours as a chemo-free woman. As of 11:00am tomorrow I will never be able to say that again. Like how I can't say I have never had stitches anymore. But that came with my gallbladder surgery. Wow, its been a big year so far. I kind of hope that when the chemo is all over, we can have the rest of the year off. And maybe next year too. Since we have to wait a couple more years to have kids, I think it is only fair to let us have some time off. Don't you?

Chemo Class

2009-05-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Or: The number one way to freak Lena out.

Yep chemo class did exactly what I thought it would. Gave me a lot of information about what I will be going through, and completely freaked me out about the upcoming days and months.

It went something like this:

*Watch late '90's chemo movie (pretty informative, and not very scary).

*Talk about what is in our individual packets: types of drugs they might use, terminology, when to call the doctor and when to go to the ER, etc.

*Nurse talks to each of us individually about all of that stuff. Cause we were all there for different reasons.

Ok, so there were three other patients there besides me (along with their support persons) and I was the last to go. The other discussions were simple, just a few minutes each. "Here are the two drugs we will give you and here are the most common side effects. You wont really have to worry about nausea or your hair falling out, those are lesser side effects. This is what you can expect from the treatment, but everyone is different." Until me. "Here are the four drugs we will give you and here are the side effects. You will definitely loose your hair (three of the four have that as a common side effect). You will be nauseated (again, three of the four)." Yay.

I am not even so worried about the hair loss (yet) but I am completely freaked out by the very real possibility of being sick for several days a month. They keep telling me that they have great meds for nausea and they give me one in the IV before they start the treatment, and I have another prescription for one that is for nausea/anxiety that I hear works really well too. But I can't help think that I will have it coming at me from three sides, how well will these actually work? Will I need to take three times the meds to make up for the different drugs? Will the side effects be too much for the meds? Will they not really be anything at all, and I am just being paranoid?

I hope it is more to that last one.

Have you guys read Rosencrantz and Guildenstren are Dead? I keep having this vague quote run through my head...something about being conflicted, or thinking conflicted thoughts. Talina has my book or I would have a better reference here. Help me out reading junkies.

I think I will need extra prayers and good thoughts on Monday and Tuesday.

Bone Marrow Biopsy Part 2

2009-05-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's true, the bone marrow thing was not nearly as bad as I had thought it would be. The back of my left hip is still pretty sore, but there is no lasting damage. And I slept fine. Mom can attest to coming out of the drugs just fine. She spent most of the day with me and I think she may have been questioning the necessity of that visit toward the end. Thanks for keeping me company Mom!!!

Speaking of the pain in my hip...last night, around 10pm I decided that I had not taken anything for the pain yet and it was getting close to bed time so maybe I should. I got myself two Advil, a glass of water and sat down on the couch. About 2 minutes later I was wondering what I did with my Advil. I could not remember taking it, but I had my water, and could not locate the pills. I said out loud (Nik was with me):

"Huh, I hope I actually took that Advil, cause I can't find it and I don't want to take more."

To which Nik replied "You're not supposed to take Advil!!"

"Since when?"

"Since your thing today! I told you like 5 times today. I even asked you if we had any Tylenol and you said, yes, we have a big bottle of it!"

"I don't remember this! You can't tell me important stuff while I am under anesthesia!"

"I thought you were awake! They told you not to take it for like a week cause it thins your blood and that is bad for this procedure."

"I don't remember this."

Oh well. I hope that one (potential) dose of Advil will not do too much harm.

Bone Marrow Biopsy

2009-04-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

Lena has a Bone Marrow Biopsy. She was nervous about this one because they are going to stick a big needle in her hip and get bone marrow out. She just had all the prep work done. Lena commented that the Nurse was really hot. I agreed. He was quite the manly specimen. They made me go back out to the waiting room and she went in. This should not take as long as other stuff we have done.

Update:

She is done and the brought me back. She was out like a light. She moved a bit and I said hello. She looks up really sleepy and said "are they done?" That made me happy that she did not remember anything ect.

Good news!

2009-04-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

I finally tracked my chemo treatments, starting with first scheduled one on May 11th. I had been really worried that they would completely clash with what I had already scheduled for the summer and that would mean that I was either really sick through the whole thing, or unable to go completely. But not so! They all work out perfectly! Even my Grandma's birthday that is mandatory attendance works out to me coming back to a treatment (so that means almost the full two weeks since the last one). And the same with my birthday. And it looks like the last one will be on October 12th. So way before Nik's birthday and Christmas. That is a plus. Cool.

2009-04-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

I tried most of the day yesterday to do my own update here, but it never worked out. So here I am to try again.

I did not feel well most of yesterday. I expected the contrast stuff to make me at least a little sick, but it was not what I thought it would be. I had a pretty bad stomach ache all day. I decided to go into work and got there around 3:30. It was later than I had hoped, but I did not want to leave the girls short handed. It would have been tough.

I went in and out of pain and sleep during the evening, kind of ate dinner, and stayed up way too late. I am feeling better today, but I still have not eaten much. I am really tired. Really. I wish I could go home and sleep. But no such luck.

This port thing is really weird. It is a very noticeable lump under my skin and it still hurts in a couple places. Plus it itches and I don't want to touch it.

This sucks.

PET Scan

2009-04-28T07:39:00.001-07:00

Well we arrived at Radiology and they stuck me in a corner Lena changed and she was gone. I dont know where she is or what how long it will be but I will just sit here like a good boy. I like the outpatient area better!

Update:

They made Lena drink the gross Crystal Light stuff again. That was the worst part. She did not have to drink as much and it did taste slightly better this time. After a couple hours she came back to me in one piece so I cam happy. Now we are heading over to the Heart and Lung building to have the EKG...

The Port is in! and it is purple

2009-04-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Lena just came out. The doctor said every thing looks really good. She now has another 2 inch scar just below the clavicle and there is a bump there. She says that they did not put her completely under for this one. She said it was really weird. During one part is was really painful for her. They gave her a little card and a bracelet that she can wear to tell everyone she has the port in. She should be coming home in about a hour or 2.

Just went in

2009-04-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

There was a lot of prep work for this one is took quite a while to get her ready. Lena said numerous times "I dont want to be here anymore!" Poor girl! She just went in and it should take around an hour. I went down and got breakfast while she is in there and thought I would update you all while I was at it.

The start of a long week for my sweet wife

2009-04-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

Well it is 7am and we are starting the first of many tests and procedures this week. Today Lena is getting the port in her neck it is mainly for when she starts chemo they will not have to prick her with and IV every time. As we pulled up to the IMC I said to Lena "I am sad that we are not going to see our friends at the out patient" Lena looked up at the Deathstar and said "I am going to get sick of this building" Lena seems to be in good spirits I think she is getting good at this Hospital thing and her nerves are much better. We will keep you updated...

So, where was I?

2009-04-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, so starting at the end of the second bullet:

* I can return to work after the PET/CT and EKG. I hope. They don't have to put me out, so that is good. Then Thursday is the Bone Marrow Biopsy. I have to be put out for this, so its another day off. Also, I can't exercise for 2 days before the PET scan. It uses sugar build up to trace where tumors might be, and exercise builds up sugar in places that could be deceiving. This is not a really big deal, I am not an exercise nut, but I have been trying to go on short walks to work up to the 5K. And with no exercise Sunday and Monday, then being put put Monday and Thursday, I think my week just may be walk-free. Bummer. Then there is just one week till the 5K.

* Speaking of the 5K: my doctor wanted to start my chemo on the 8th of May. For just a second I thought that would be fine. Then it clicked. That is the day before the race, and I would most likely be sick still that day. I don't want that. I want to be in the race! So I told him I needed to reschedule. So now my official first day of Chemo is Monday May 11th. I hope they have all the rest of this stuff figured out before that.

* I also get to attend a Chemo Class before then. Nik is coming with me, but it is not until closer to my treatment. I think it will be good and bad. It will answer a lot of questions, but I am willing to bet it freaks me out at the same time.

* The type of chemo I am scheduled to have (and will if they stick to the Hodgkin's diagnosis) is called ABVD. It stands for the 4 drugs I will be given. I have them written down, but I can't remember them now. I was told last night that I should call my insurance and make sure the cover all of those drugs. And find out how they cover them as well. I guess some could be considered out-patient, and some in-patient. One more thing to add to the list.

Ok, I guess I am done again for a little while. I will add more as I think of it.

Here we go!

2009-04-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first meeting with my oncologist. I was lucky to have mom and Nik there with me to help me remember stuff. But I know you are all wondering what happened, so here it is:

*They are still not 100% sure it is Hodgkin's. They are like 90% sure. But the difference between the treatment of Hodgkin's and Non-Hodgkin's is 180 degrees. So they want to be 100% sure. Fine.

* That means I may have to have another biopsy. Only this one would have to be from the mass in my chest. Either with a needle or with a small incision between my ribs. Yay.

* Before my first chemo treatment in a couple weeks I have to have the following done: Bone Marrow Biopsy, PET/CT scan, EKG, and a port put in above my collar bone. The port is first, this is so they don't have to stick me every time I do chemo or they need blood. I'm ok with this. That is Monday in the morning. Tuesday I have the PET/CT scan and the EKG.

***sorry, I am going to publish this much now, and come back to it later. Sorry!***

One of my own

2009-04-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

A few months ago we found out at work that our CEO has an advanced form of lung cancer. Stage 4 carcinoma with a prognosis of 6-12 months. He has been keeping us up-to-date with his condition which included one at our meeting this morning.

He informed us that he had his first chemo treatment yesterday, that he was moving backward from what he was hoping, but that he had a positive attitude and hoped to keep working the rest of the year.

I decided I wanted to talk to him. He was going through what I will soon be going though. He was gracious enough to talk to me right after our meeting in his office. I thought this would just be another re-telling of my story and brief Q & A about what he is going through. I was wrong. I didn't get two words out before I started to cry. I have not cried about this so far and I don't know what exactly triggered it, but I was in tears for most of our talk. He was great and let me get out what I needed and talked to me about everything. He is also LDS, so he shared some points there as well.

It was so great to talk to him. He is in his sixties (I think) and has a different form of cancer as me, but he is going through it now. Like me. Thanks, Curt, for letting me cry in your office for a little while, and for being so open about your situation. It really helped.

The Results are In....

2009-04-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hodgkin's.

Which is what I wanted I guess. Except that it is cancer. That sucks. I was really hoping that there was some small chance it was something else. Something not treated with Chemo. Oh well. Dealing with it. I have an appointment with the oncologist next Thursday. I am starting to get a little freaked out.

Once again

2009-04-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

Back at work and tired. I told more people at our meeting this morning, so I won't have to hide it as much anymore. But now I have to convince them that I am not feeble, and dying. I may need some help sometimes, but I function as usual most of the time. There are a couple people that were not at the meeting, so I will have to fill them in later. Not really looking forward to that.

Thanks to Nik for keeping this updated. I was going to do one more when I got home yesterday, but because we got done so late, it screwed with my schedule. I hadn't eaten in about 22 hours by the time we got home, so I was so hungry, I couldn't eat anything. I finally got a Jell-o and some toast in me about the time the ward brought over dinner. I was not quite to that point yet, but Nik was starving, so it was great to have it. A few minutes later one of my visiting teachers came over with one of my favorite things in the world, apple crisp. So of course that was the next thing I ate. I never felt like I had eaten enough to take a loratab, so I was in more pain this time than last time. But I took one before bed, and I am feeling pretty good this morning. Tired, but good.

Well, I think I may have a fever, but I don't have a thermometer, so I can't tell for sure. Oh well.

Thanks again to all of you who expressed your love and prayers on my behalf. I know it will help in the long run. Love you all!

All Done

2009-04-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

Lena is out of the surgery and she is doing fine. Just sleepy and eating her crackers! She is doing well! The kept her in recovery a little longer than last time so she is a lot more alert when i got here.

She went back in.

2009-04-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

I am very proud of Lena she has been a lot more calm this time around. Her heart rate is normal and she is not as nervous. She is very hungry because she has not eaten since yesterday. But she was taken back in and Doc. Hollingshed was really nice. He also commented that the last sample had 2 types of Lymphoma in it. He said something about an Enlarged B Cell and then a Hodkins type which are both treated a little differently with the Chemo. He also said that he may have nicked a nerve and that is why she has lost feeling in her chest and it should come back fine. It was a bit funny when we got here because all the same Nurses and the Med Students are the same. Donna our nurse before came in and talked to Lena and everyone greeted us with warmth and love. I think it made Lena feel better.

P.S. I have been singing "It takes two, Baby" by Marvin Gaye all day to Lena!

Just Waiting

2009-04-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

Well we have been waiting in the prep room for over an hour and when I went to ask. She call the doc and said they are running behind so it will be another 20 min of so.....luckly I have my computer so we are watching Quantam of Solace! I am good and keeping my wife entertained.

Overwhemled

2009-04-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who has offered their prayers, support, thoughts, well-wishes, whatever. I appreciate it so much. I never really thought about how many people cared about me. But it is way more than I thought it would be. Friends, family, extended family, co-workers, ward members, former ward members, friends of friends, past acquaintances, passers by. Everyone tells me they are thinking about me. That is so amazing. I know I will get through this if for that fact alone. I hope that those of you who have offered to do "whatever" I need will still be able to help if it this process lasts longer than I hope it does. Please don't get sick of me yet! I may be dealing with it ok now, but that may change when stuff actually starts happening. Thank you to my ward who is supplying dinner tomorrow and to the numerous people who offered to do so after that was arranged. I love all of you so much. I am not much for being the spot light anymore, so this is kind of strange for me.

ps-new biopsy time is 11:45am tomorrow. Bummer. That is so late in terms of not eating.

Biopsy Update

2009-04-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been a little slacker lately and left you all hanging. I have another biopsy scheduled for tomorrow at some time (I have to call between 3 and 5 to get my time, I am hoping for early) at the IMC.

When I got the call from my doctor last week he said Tuesday would be best but I already had my schedule for that week out and I was supposed to work that day, so I told him I needed to talk to my manager and get back to him. Well, right after that my manager said that Tuesday was the best day to give me off. Lucky. But I couldn't get the doc back on the phone, so I left him a message. I never heard back from him, but I missed a call Saturday from the hospital to do the preregister stuff, so I figured I was on the right track. I got another call this morning from the hospital and they said see you tomorrow. Again, good sign. THEN I got a call from the Doctor's office saying that they had tried really hard to get a surgery time for Thursday, but couldn't, so they were going to have to do it tomorrow. What? I thought that was the original plan? Oh well. We are on the right track now.

I will do my best to keep this updated with the time, and make sure Nik does at least one post when I come out of surgery. I know, enquiring minds want to know!

Its a...mo-ped?

2009-04-09T08:22:00.001-07:00

So, remember yesterday when I said that I was supposed to find out if it was a 'car' by the end of the day? Well turns out it is not as easy as they thought it would be to tell if it is a car or not. Maybe it has wheels, maybe it has a motor, maybe it has a windshield. Maybe its a bicycle. A skateboard. Who knows.

Sorry, here is how it went down. I finally got a call around 5 last from Dr. Hollingsed, my surgeon, and he said he had the results, but that they were a little hazy. There were some cells that indicated Hodgkin's Lymphoma, some that were just Node cells, and others that were just dead from being replaced so fast. So he is supposed to be meeting with the oncologist (the one I made the appointment with yesterday) to see what he says about the results. It should either be 1) Yes, this is definitive enough, I will treat her, 2) No, its not enough, I need a better sample -another biopsy, or 3) I don't think it is what you think it is (insert conversation from Princess Bride here).

So basically, I know nothing still. Hopefully more today. I like this doctor a lot, but I don't really want to see him a ton more times. So he better get this figured out soon!

Edited to add: Just heard from the Doc and it looks like another biopsy is in order. Bummer.

Stop it with the symptoms already!

2009-04-08T13:59:00.000-07:00

So I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but at the first two appointments everyone kept asking if I had these same symptoms: Cough, dizziness, stomach problems (like I could tell), low-grade fever, fatigue. I had had none of them. I was perfectly healthy. So to speak.

Well, Saturday rolls around and I have them all! Even Jake D. in med school back east was asking these same questions. That is when I realized how crappy I felt that day. I even had a fever of 98.8. Worse when you know that my normal temp is around 97.1. They didn't last all day, but it did make for slow going in the afternoon.

Anyway, at the hospital yesterday they asked me the same questions, but this time I told them that I had had some of them but only once or twice. But this time the surgeon asked me if I had had night sweats. Well, now that you mention it, yes. I have woken up in the middle of the night burning up while Nik snuggles farther in the down comforter. Granted, I had been sleeping with a big sweat shirt on because I had to sleep farther up on my pillows to be able to lay with my shoulder flat. Nik says it was a combination of that and the fact that it has not been as cold this week, but I think it would not have been such a big difference so quickly.

So now I keep waking up like I am having hot flashes. I am SO not old enough for that! I hope that passes quickly, cause it is getting warmer and I can't sleep when it is hot. Maybe I will loose my hair and that will help. Wait, I take that back. No jinxing it even more. I want to keep my hair!

Back at Work

2009-04-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm back. Bandage on my neck and everything. I am hiding with a scarf cause not everyone at work knows, and I don't want to tell that story 10 more times. I am hoping to make it to the meeting in a week to let everyone else know. Wish me luck.

I should find out today what the first diagnosis is. Whether is it a 'car' or not. If it is a 'car' (cancer) I will get started on treatment very soon. In fact, I should have an appointment with the oncologist already, but of course I am putting that off. Bad thing to put off, and I will probably get chewed out again if I get the call from my doctor and I don't have that appointment yet. And Nik, he would chew me out too.

(Ok, made the appointment. 3:45 on the 23rd.)

I was on a steady dose of Loratab yesterday but I have switched to Advil so I could come to work. I will need to keep on a strict schedule for it to work like the heavier stuff was. Oh, and the doctor didn't even give me a script for new pills, he said I could just use the ones I had and call if I needed more. I though that was nice. Not making me pay for pills I didn't need.

Ok, more later.

I'm home now

2009-04-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Nik for keeping this updated today. I was a slacker last night and forgot to tell you when my appointment was. But everything went well. They weren't able to take as much of the nodes as I wanted cause it would have gotten more invasive, and they didn't want to put me through that. I guess that is fine. Originally they said that I would be able to go to work tomorrow, but then there were differing opinions on the matter. So Allison, if you are reading this, please tell Stacey I will do my best to be there, but it might not happen. I am still feeling really tired and slow, but the pain meds are working and I am not suffering. Thanks for every ones support.

Lena is out...of surgery

2009-04-07T10:37:00.001-07:00

The Doc said that he was unable to remove all of the lump but the everything was successful. When we asked about when we would be able to get any results he said "Well it is like a car....we will know it is a car tomorrow...then we have to find out what type of car it is Ford, Chevy or Honda....Then we have to figure out what type of Ford it is...." So in short....we will find out a little but over the coarse of the next few days. Lena is up and talking....she is chatting with her mom about everything and nothing at the same time. She is doing really well. She has given the go head to go home now. So I need to wrap this up. She will update later tonight I hope!

Biopsy

2009-04-07T07:49:00.000-07:00

Lena went in to the operating room about 15 minutes ago. We should get results back from the biopsy in the next couple days. The doctor is very optimistic that everything will be fine. His name is Dr Timothy Hollingsed. Oh if you have not figured out by now this is Nik :)

In the beginning...

2009-04-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

So here it is, the first post of my new blog, for my new life with cancer.

Mostly I am just tired. I am not nervous for the biopsy tomorrow, because it means that part of what is causing my most irritating pain will be gone. I am hoping that the doctor can take most of both nodes, that would probably lessen the pain, as well as how much chemo I have to do. And we all know how excited I am for the chemo.

Thank you to Annie, Christi and Kellee for telling me about all the medications, both prescription and over the counter, for nausea. It makes me have a little more hope that I won't just die with all the sickness. I suppose it would be to much to ask to get through it all with out throwing up once?

I thought of a small blessing yesterday, this could easily have been on my right side, and that would have presented a whole different set of problems. But I have realized today at work how much I rely on my left arm in the drive up. It is getting awkward.

I have only told a handful of my coworkers, but some of them eventually get to reading my blog, so I bet a few more know by the end of the week. Plus, I will have a bandage on my neck after tomorrow, so I will probably get some questions.

I think this is the first time since I was married that so many people have known my business. It is kind of weird. I mean, I want people to know, but at the same time, it is strange to have so many people talking about the same thing. Me. Oh well, I appreciate the support and the prayers, so I'm not complaining.