Something I had not admitted to myself yet.
Under other circumstances I would be upset at myself for thinking this.
I care about how I look. A lot.
While talking to a good friend at church today I made the connection between how I feel about myself, physically, and how I how I feel, internally, on a daily basis.
I realized that now that I am loosing my eyebrows and eyelashes significantly, I don't feel pretty. And I am not fishing for compliments. When I look in the mirror I don't feel like I usually do. I still look like myself. I look like Lena. I just look like a hairless Lena. And that is unnerving. I don't like it. I like to look like myself. And Nik tells me I am beautiful, he tells me he loves me and that he will always love me. And that is great. Of course I like to hear that. He's my husband, and I love him too. But when I don't feel pretty, it makes it harder.
Its used to make me feel better to know that at least I still looked decent. So no matter what I was going though, it was made easier cause I was still me. But now, I don't look like me. And I am reminded of it a lot. So my emotional state is not ideal for dealing with how I feel after treatments. It makes it harder to feel better.
That might not have made sense, but that is how I am feeling lately. I hope it doesn't last.
Ah, I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now Lena. It would be hard to lose my eyelashes and eyebrows, I can't imagine what you are going through. But I do know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive, to look pretty for your husband and those around you. That's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to feel bad about how things are changing in your looks right now either . . . just try and keep the perspective that there is a time and a season for all things, and this will all be part of the past down the road, and you will go back to looking in the mirror and seeing what you expect to see . . . and not a hairless Lena :-)
ReplyDeleteLet's go wig shopping now! Or clothes if that's what you want more. We all love you and we think you are still beautiful. By this time next year you will have all your hair back and be Lena again!
ReplyDeleteOh, Lena, I am so sorry that you are going through this trial. It's naturally important for women to feel attractive, it's an innate part of femininity. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now.
ReplyDeleteJust keep an eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. I know you don't feel like it, but you are beautiful, inside and out. Love you!
Have you seen this blog before? http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ The woman was in a near fatal plane crash, and has horrible burns and scars all over her body. She has a number of posts like what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteLena, Thanks for being candid and sharing your feelings. I am sure that would be really hard to deal with. I have no idea what that would be like, but you seem to be handling better than I would. Maybe I am just more vain. :) I had a co-worker who penciled in her eyebrows and wore regular make-up during her chemo. Plus she had a wig, too. I never really noticed a difference when she lost her facial hair. I know she also made it a point to do fun pampering things, like get manicures and pedicures. Maybe it would help to just focus on an area of your body where there isn't hair, for now? Focus on the other beauties of your body.
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