Today I had a realization.

Something I had not admitted to myself yet.

Under other circumstances I would be upset at myself for thinking this.

I care about how I look. A lot.

While talking to a good friend at church today I made the connection between how I feel about myself, physically, and how I how I feel, internally, on a daily basis.

I realized that now that I am loosing my eyebrows and eyelashes significantly, I don't feel pretty. And I am not fishing for compliments. When I look in the mirror I don't feel like I usually do. I still look like myself. I look like Lena. I just look like a hairless Lena. And that is unnerving. I don't like it. I like to look like myself. And Nik tells me I am beautiful, he tells me he loves me and that he will always love me. And that is great. Of course I like to hear that. He's my husband, and I love him too. But when I don't feel pretty, it makes it harder.

Its used to make me feel better to know that at least I still looked decent. So no matter what I was going though, it was made easier cause I was still me. But now, I don't look like me. And I am reminded of it a lot. So my emotional state is not ideal for dealing with how I feel after treatments. It makes it harder to feel better.

That might not have made sense, but that is how I am feeling lately. I hope it doesn't last.

Crap

So, after sleeping most of the last two days, which is kind of strange for me, I ended up getting absolutely no sleep last night, when it really mattered. So now I feel like crap. Scratch that. Crap on toast.

Just so you know

You guys are no help.

Old News

This may sound like old news, but I wanted to come here again and publicly tell everyone how thankful I am for the support I am receiving from all of you. Through this site and face-to-face. So many people have helped me out emotionally, physically and spiritually, (and financially). I am constantly astounded by how many people care for me. I really don;t feel deserving. Like, I am not so special, why should they do these things for me. But I know it helps to help out. If that makes sense.

I recently had a very large (well, very large to me, and probably to the giver too) monetary sum donated to me. I was speechless. Nik and I just stared at the check, not quite sure what to make of it. I immediately wrote a thank you note (and if you guys got the note and are ok with it, I would love to embarrass you publicly here :) ) and sent it out from work. I am still trying to decide what to do with the money, but I know it will come in handy when I am out of sick leave and vacation time.

And that brings me to another topic. I am struggling to make a decision and I need some opinions. I have been talking here about getting a wig. And that was not always my desire, to get a wig. But I had someone bring up that it is nice to go somewhere like the grocery store and not have to worry about people automatically knowing (or suspecting) you have cancer. And that is true. I get some weird looks of recognition when it dawns on someone why I could possibly chosen to wear that scarf with that shirt. So thus started the wig hunt. But now I am not sure. I feel like I will wear it for such a short time, and it is such an expense, wouldn't it just be better to save the money and live with being bald for a few more months? After all, everyone already knows I am bald, whats the big deal? But then, I have also been given money to cover such an expense (although I did find out that our insurance will NOT compensate a wig) and had several other offers to cover it. Would it be deceptive to not get a wig at this point? I DON"T KNOW!!! Help me out internets.


Oh, and I know that a LOT more people read this blog than comment, so, please drop me a line if you stop by. I would love to know who is reading.

Feeling like crap again today. Yesterday was really hard. Just felt miserable most of the day. I had another friend bring up that this is just a trial run for pregnancy. I hope pregnancy is not this bad. I don't even know how to explain how I feel right now. The only word is crap. If you know what crap feels like.

Eating seems to make it better, but only while I am actually eating. Then I go back to the crap feeling. I could gain a lot of weight if I keep that up. Oh, and I am sleepy. Very sleepy.

Or this one? (same wig)

What about this one?

Events

Not a whole lot has been going on, so I decided to just list some of the smaller events in the last week or so.

* After feel really good for two days after my treatment, I felt like crap Wednesday and most of Thursday.

* That being said, all of my side effects have been less severe than the previous treatment. Let's hope that is a trend till I am done.

* The ladies in the ward made me a cute little purple butterfly quilt in Daytime Enrichment. I love it. It is the perfect church quilt.

* I have had a stomach ache for a couple days now and it is starting to frustrate me. I want to feel good!!

* I have Friday and Saturday off for the 4th, and have no plans, so someone make plans with me!! (that wasn't cancer related, but I thought I would put it out there.)

* I saw my cancer doctor, Dr. Harker on a The Truth: Anti-tobacco commercial the other day, but I just caught the end, and have not seen it again. I know it was him, and I am going to ask him about it on Monday.

* Please send ideas for bald Halloween costumes. I am going to get a jump start on this.

* I know they are going to want to schedule a PET/CT scan soon to see if the cancer is all gone yet, and I think that worries me more than some of my treatments have. Is that weird?

* I walked in the survivors lap of the Relay For Life and they gave me a T-shirt and a picture frame and took my picture for reasons unknown. Texas Roadhouse catered and I had a larger than expected support group. It was a great experience, and I think I will try and be part of the team next year.