Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I really feel like crap. I will probably go home early.

Monday, September 21, 2009

New Friends

I got to talk to one of my new cancer friends today. Face to face. She came in to work with her mom and we talked for about half and hour in the break room. It was so strange relating everything that I have been through so far. Especially knowing that she is just beginning the process. I remember being so scared, but not knowing what to do about it. Crying didn't seem to be the answer, but it happened anyway. Getting mad didn't seem to help either. Neither did feeling sorry for myself. So I was just stuck. Feeling like something was wrong, but not knowing what to do about it. I could see that in her eyes. The desperation, the confusion. I hope I was able to help her.

I was amazed to realize what I had already been through. Telling her what to expect made me realize what I had survived. At the beginning I was so nervous about the treatments that I could think of nothing else. Then I was so overwhelmed by the side effects, I thought I would never see the end. Now I take the treatments in stride (I don't LIKE them by any means, but I have accepted that they happen) and most of my more pesky side effects have tapered off. I still get bone pain and jaw pain (both of which made a more prominent appearance this time), but the mouth sores are completely gone. And I usually feel better by after lunch the Wednesday after a treatment. I feel so much stronger than I thought I would at this point. Or ever. I thought that by the time I was half way I would be just a shell of my former self, having been through so much. But I feel like this has all been for a reason. That I have made it this far for a purpose and that I have much to accomplish yet.

It is a good feeling.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


I have met some new "cancer friends" recently and in reading one of their blogs, I came across this paragraph that helps sum up what I feel about my situation.

"Last night I saw "My Sister's Keeper". I wondered how it would affect me. It made me grateful that Heavenly Father's plan for me is not to die, but to be cured. The plan for the girl in the movie, was to die. It wasn't in the plan for her to raise a family, and have kids. That is my plan though, the plan for me is to have cancer, fight through it, be cured, have a family and live. I'm so grateful that is the plan set up for me, that it is not in the works for me to die. Because that could have been the plan, it could have been the plan for me to die, and it's not, and I'm so grateful. I'll admit, that on my crappy days, I'd rather be in heaven than on earth, but I'm grateful that the plan isn't for me to always have crappy days, it isn't in the plan for me to have cancer for years, the plan is for me to only have it for this short amount of time that feels like a long time, and to be cured. I am so blessed."

I am grateful everyday that I am going to be ok. I know that I will get to grow older and raise a family with my amazing husband. I love that I have this knowledge. And it makes me feel even better to talk to people that also know this.

One new friend is at the very beginning of her journey. She has her CT scan today for staging. She is understandably nervous. Please pray for her. The other woman is like me and almost done. She has four more treatments, and I have three, so we will finish about the same time. She looks good bald. I really hope that is what I look like too. If I can get their permission, I will link their blogs to mine, so you can follow their progress as well. I wish them the best, and I hope it all works out.

Friday, September 11, 2009

My husband loves me

Nik: "Good job for eating ice cream so you can gain weight!"

Me: "I think I am one of the only women in the world that is ok with her husband telling her that."

Nik: "Love you."
Just a quick update that I only have four treatments left!!! And I have one on monday, so then it will be three!!! Everyone be happy for me!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I was asked the other day if I had "the cancer."

How do you answer that?