Something I had not admitted to myself yet.
Under other circumstances I would be upset at myself for thinking this.
I care about how I look. A lot.
While talking to a good friend at church today I made the connection between how I feel about myself, physically, and how I how I feel, internally, on a daily basis.
I realized that now that I am loosing my eyebrows and eyelashes significantly, I don't feel pretty. And I am not fishing for compliments. When I look in the mirror I don't feel like I usually do. I still look like myself. I look like Lena. I just look like a hairless Lena. And that is unnerving. I don't like it. I like to look like myself. And Nik tells me I am beautiful, he tells me he loves me and that he will always love me. And that is great. Of course I like to hear that. He's my husband, and I love him too. But when I don't feel pretty, it makes it harder.
Its used to make me feel better to know that at least I still looked decent. So no matter what I was going though, it was made easier cause I was still me. But now, I don't look like me. And I am reminded of it a lot. So my emotional state is not ideal for dealing with how I feel after treatments. It makes it harder to feel better.
That might not have made sense, but that is how I am feeling lately. I hope it doesn't last.